Rachael
knew that she had an underlying sexual desire for Miriam their third summer in
the mountains. Rachael’s kitchen window looked out on the road between two rows
of bungalows. When she sat at the kitchen table, she could see everyone walking
back and forth. She was idly looking out one day when Miriam came out of her
bungalow wearing a dazzlingly blue bathing suit that fit her slender body
perfectly. Rachael was transfixed. Miriam seemed to glow in the sun. Seeing
Miriam's bare arms made her ache. Rachael says, “That day, the obsession took
over.” Rachael needed this woman, to be near her, to be touched by her, to feel
close. Confusion, fear, desire, feelings! “My mantra then was, ‘I don’t need
anyone.’ An incest survivor’s whole purpose in life is denying needs.” But even
Rachael’s steely resolve could not stop her desire for Miriam.
When
the summer was over, Rachael went to see Miriam in Brooklyn. When she couldn’t
see her in person, she made contact by phone. "I annoyed the hell out of
her. I kept calling her. There was no such thing as ‘no.’ I had to be with
her.” Miriam was the true good thing that happened in her life.
Finally,
Rachael confessed her addiction to Miriam and said that she was going to go
away for the weekend and get off her pills, because she didn’t want the drugs
to come between them. Miriam would not let Rachael go alone. Miriam remembers,
“She was in tremendous, tremendous pain, but she had no convulsions or
hallucinations.” That weekend sealed their close friendship. Rachael was so
grateful for Miriam. “I had never known anyone so gentle, yet so strong.”
Miriam calmed her. Miriam felt protective and tender. Her own need to be near
Rachael began to grow. After the initial withdrawal, Rachael saw an addiction
counselor, but she didn’t tell her counselor of her addiction to Miriam.
Miriam
got used to Rachael’s calling and coming over, began enjoying her company, and
soon looked forward to it. Rachael was exciting and witty, yet something about
her called out for care. Rachael told Miriam, “My therapist said that I need to
learn to `reach out.’” Miriam was glad to oblige. She held Rachael's
hand----for comfort, and she exchanged warm hugs when they met and
parted—friendly hugs, friendly hand holding. There were sensations in her body
that Miriam refused to explore. They kissed once. Miriam remembers, “I was so
stimulated that I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was a mother with
three children, for heaven's sake!” Rachael laughs, “It’s a wonder the whole
couch didn’t burn up!”
The
women’s husbands had become acquainted in the mountains too, and the four of
them began spending time together. After the summer season, Miriam and Rachael
planned their social events so that they could see more of each other. They
hadn’t planned on orchestrating the event that would truly bring them
together---after ten years of friendship.
The
foursome had gone out to dinner in Mel’s car. Miriam explains, “The floor of
his car was always full of junk. Passengers had to move it out of the way
before they could be comfortable. When Rachael got out of the car, she tripped
on a coiled wire and fell into the car parked next to them. Rachael wrenched
her back and neck and had to be helped into her house.” Their husbands sat in
the den watching television. The women were in the kitchen. Rachael was in
agony even after several aspirin. Miriam asked, “Would you like me to rub you
with Ben Gay?" If Rachael had said "No," it might have taken ten
more years for Miriam to acknowledge her feelings for Rachael! Thankfully, when
she began kneading Rachael’s neck and shoulders, a little thrill caught in her
chest. A warm, pink blush rose to her cheeks. She kept moving her fingers
slowly over Rachael's back and Miriam knew that touching Rachael meant more
than therapeutic massage." She tried to compose herself and assumed a
casual expression, but it was too late. Rachael had seen, and Rachael knew that
her prayers had been answered.
When
the summer was over, Rachael picked up her daily routine. She missed seeing
Miriam every day. It made it difficult to suppress the longing that had
surfaced at the end of their summer in the country. Rachael had waited ten
years for Miriam's touch. Miriam was such a tender, sweet woman, and Rachael
knew her touch would heal her of more than her sprained neck. She must make
sure of Miriam’s feelings. She remembers, “I had been invited to go out to eat
with friends whom I usually enjoyed. We would laugh, have a few drinks, and
have a good time. This time, all I could think of was how much I missed Miriam.
It was pining that brought physical pain. Rachael couldn’t even manage to make
the right responses in their conversation. A big invisible fist had seized her
and started squeezing. “I couldn’t think about anything but getting back to
Miriam to talk with her. I needed to ask the question that would change
everything, for better or worse. Would Miriam remember what I asked? Would she
remember the answer?”
The
next day was Sunday, and that meant bowling league. Rachael knew that Miriam
would be smoking pot that evening to get through sex with her husband, so
Rachael chose that time to call Miriam. “I knew she would be stoned on pot, and
I needed the truth. Maybe if she said, ‘No’ when I asked her the question, she
would be stoned enough to forget the whole conversation.” After several busy
signals, the phone rang. As soon as Miriam answered Rachael asked, “Do you have
sexual feelings for me?”
There
was a quick intake of breath and then Miriam answered, “Yes.”
“Oh, shit.”
